"Most often there is nothing to be gained by sitting in silence when speaking up is required. Sure, you may risk an uncomfortable disagreement, but you also risk solving the problem at hand. Perhaps that’s worth the price of a little discomfort."
In speaking up you risk the discomfort of disagreement – something that we seem hardwired to avoid. In fact this fear can be so great that we go to great lengths in order to avoid any discomfort, tolerating an undesirable situation for years, even for a lifetime.
We do this by telling ourselves, “just hang on till retirement”, or “it’ll get better if I wait”.
Or even worse, “the screaming next door will eventually stop.” Eventually. Maybe.
"Don't rock the boat" people say to you, meaning "why upset a stable situation"? But it's a poorly constructed boat that can't stand a bit of rocking.
Consider the stability in your life. How is it gained? Is it through hard work and confronting life’s problems head on? Or through indulging the comforting delusion that things will get better and that your problems will magically solve themselves, if only you wait long enough.
Someone else will surely come along and fix things for you eventually. No need to make a fuss and risk experiencing something disagreeable.
Sadly for many the realisation that the responsibility for solving the problems in your life was really yours all along comes all too late. Even worse is the realisation that you actually could have solved your life’s problems and that all this suffering was unnecessary. That you and no one else is responsible for your prolonged suffering, and it’s because you stayed silent when speaking up was required. Because you took no action when action was required.
But speaking up can have undesirable consequences, even if it is the right thing to do. So how do we ensure that the risk is worth it? Is there a way to raise an objection that increases the chances of a desired outcome? And if so, can I practice this skill before it is needed?
The first time you raise an objection you may do so poorly. You may find yourself mumbling and inarticulate as you struggle to understand the problem, unsure of what it is you actually want and afraid of retaliation. You may then decide to never raise an objection again due to this discomfort.
So what to do?
To get better at running, you must run. To become a better swimmer you must practice swimming. Time spent researching and reading about a desired skill can be helpful, but eventually you must spend time performing the skill you want to improve.
Similarly, you cannot get better at the skill of raising an objection without at some point raising your hand and saying ‘I disagree’. As such, you should never pass up on the opportunity to deal with something that you object to, even if the objection is small, as in doing so you develop skills and knowledge that you can then draw upon when something comes along that is really worth objecting too.
“But there are many things in my life that I find disagreeable”, you might say. “Some big, some small. Do I need to object to them all?”
Practice the rule of three. The first time something disagreeable happens, if it’s small note it and move on. It could be a mistake, a fluke, or a simple misunderstanding, it’s nothing to worry about yet.
The second time it happens, you might think “OK this is interesting, something is definitely up”, but again note it and move on.
The third time it happens, it’s clear that you now have a problem that you need to contend with. What’s more, you can now describe three instances that illustrate what is happening and why it is a problem. Even better it also allows you to easily dispense with the claims that “I didn’t mean too”, or “it was an accident” that people commonly respond with when they have been caught out.
You can’t claim something is accidental if it happens three times in a row.
Now that you know you have a problem you need to contend with, now what? I find it useful to answer the question “what is my desired outcome?” You need to choose a direction, a goal. This is what will keep you grounded and increases the chances that you will get a useful outcome. Once you have this it gives the conflict purpose.
Remember, you’re not objecting for the hell of it, you are trying to achieve something useful.
Now for the ground rules.
Firstly never humiliate, condescend, or be arrogant. It's not helpful and doing so transforms your objection into an attack and the other person will respond in kind.
Behave this way and you will not win, even if they concede to your point of view. You have instead acted as a tyrant and portrayed yourself as an enemy. If you don’t make amends future cooperation will continue to require coercion and force, rather than reasonable discussion and mutual agreement.
This is failure, not success.
Secondly, go into the discussion with the understanding that the other person likely knows something that you don't.
I guarantee that this will be true. Remember that they have their own expertise and knowledge that informs their point of view. Do what you can to discover what this is.
Thirdly, be mindful of when conversation veers off topic.
This happens especially when you or someone else feels like they are ‘losing’ the argument, and you both start veering into unrelated territory to try to undermine each others position and to gain an advantage.
Whilst it may be true that you don’t often take out the garbage, the discussion was about missing money from your wallet. Stay focused.
Finally. Don't be afraid to try.
Even if you fail to achieve your desired outcome, you will still learn a lot about yourself. You may learn that you don’t express yourself as clearly as you would have liked. You may discover counter arguments that you wish you’d anticipated and prepared for.
These are all things that you can work on improving, which you should commit to do.
